My husband and I recently celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. He surprised me with a trip back to where it all began. The beachfront venue where we had our wedding reception is now an utterly amazing resort.
Our anniversary usually overlaps with Mother's Day week. Funny how the Lord did that. I think He knew even then that I would need something else to celebrate every year. Something to keep my mind off of my own infertility.
While sitting by the pool, overlooking the ocean, there was a cute couple. The wife was visibly pregnant; I'd guess maybe 7 months along. Her husband was attending to her gently as they flipped through a book of baby names. She'd read one out and then they'd discuss what they liked and didn't like about each name. Lots of laughing and smiling, recalling names that they would never consider as they reminded them of some crazy friend that was the life of the party in college. Other names they said were too trendy and some they nodded in agreement were worth considering. And as they passed the book back and forth between them it made me remember a time when this scene would have brought me to tears instead of making me smile. It was a time when my disappointment, envy, and feelings of inadequacy would have overwhelmed my desire to just enjoy the beautiful view of the ocean before me.
All I can say is I'm thankful.
Thankful for God's grace that has been sufficient to see me through those years of heartache and raw emotion - to a place now where I can be at peace. Still wondering what might have been if a child had become part of our story, still wondering what He might yet have in store. But at peace with whatever His Will is and grateful for the blessings and opportunities that He's filled our lives with instead.
Thank you, Father, for drying those tears. Thank you for the glimpses you give me into what may have been; for those moments of motherhood that I may never experience myself, but that I can now smile at and celebrate for others. I still have my moments of sadness, but I know it is only by your grace that today I can celebrate for others and say it is well, it is well, with my soul.
Read more about my infertility journey on my post He Turned My Misery Into My Ministry.